Say hello to your soul mate

Your phone’s your life

You spend more time using it than you do using anything else. Checking it's the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night. If you lose it, you feel like you’ve lost a child.

At Banana™, we know just how precious your phone is to you. That's why we've worked really hard to come up with our best phone yet.

We call it the xPhone.


A Design for Life

Addictive By Design

When designing the xPhone, we wanted to make something that felt so incredible in your hand that you wanted to take it out at every available opportunity.

Whether you’re having dinner with a friend, chilling with your partner or playing with your child, you’ll find it impossible to resist the desire to take out your phone and completely kill the moment.

Bezel-Less Display

These days, it’s all about the bezel. Everyone seems to want a phone that's all screen and nothing but screen. We don’t know why. We don’t care. All we care about is that you buy our overpriced phone.

With that in mind, we decided to make a phone that was as free from bezels as we are from paying tax.

Pleasure Peripherals

We all love our phones. They’re more important to us than anything else in the world, including our friends and family. But sometimes loving them isn't enough - we want to take it to the next level.

At Banana™, we thought long and hard about how to satisfy this need. It took hundreds of hours of painstaking research, thousands of litres of lubricant and millions of band-aids before we finally figured out how to make it work.

To begin, simply tell Miri (the voice assistant) that you’re feeling horny. When you’re done, just rinse out the device (it's water-resistant on the inside too). You can share highlights or even live-stream the event on social media.

A Body to Die For

The frame of the xPhone is made from the bones of workers from our factories who died in mysterious circumstances.

The bones are ground down into a fine powder then mixed with stem cells and fired in the flames of Hell before being hammered into shape by orcs.

Finally, the phone is sprayed with bat blood and polished for seven days by an orphan from a developing nation.

Super Cornea Display

Boasting an incredible resolution of 1600ppp (pixels per pixel), the Super Cornea Display is clearer and more detailed than reality. As soon as you start using it, you’ll wonder why you ever bothered with the real world in the first place.

Status Symbol

There’s no denying it: smartphones have become status symbols. They’re an indicator of wealth, social status and general coolness.

If you don’t have the latest and greatest model, you’re not going to be able to get a decent job, no one will want to sleep with you, and everyone will basically hate you.

With the xPhone in the palm of your hand, you’ll be at the forefront of what’s cool (as dictated by large corporations and the media).


A Barrier Between You and the World

The Heart of the Smartphone

From taking photos of every meal to snapping narcissistic selfies to recording concerts (so you don’t have to enjoy them), the camera lies at the heart of the smartphone experience.

Through using the camera, you’re able to put a barrier between yourself and the world. This allows you to block out the many incredible experiences that will come your way in life and instead enjoy an existence that is largely inconsequential.

World-Blocking Lenses

It all starts with a great lens - 12 of them in fact. By using a dozen micro-lenses, the Weiss T-1000 is able to block out more of the world than any camera lens ever before.

Each lens was made using the pupils of a person who spent their entire life safe and secure, but full of regrets brought about by a lack of inaction.

Reality-Destroying Resolution

With an incredibly high resolution of 4 stegapixels, the camera on the xPhone is just the thing you need when you feel like you’re developing too much of a connection with your immediate surroundings.

Start up the camera and feel the world fade into obscurity behind a screen of digital delirium. You'll never have to look at another sunset again.

Internal Camera

In addition to the front and rear cameras, there’s also an internal camera.

After undergoing a simple operation (under local anesthetic), you’ll be able to take photos and videos of your internal processes and share them with the people you love.

Selfie Mode

With Selfie Mode, you can easily take selfies of you and your pet, and our software will digitally alter your features to make you look more in line with current expected standards of beauty.

Instant Share

Turn on Instant Share and all your photos and videos will be automatically uploaded to every social media network allowing you to relax safe in the knowledge that you’re documenting every moment of your life rather than actually living it.


Software to Die For


What better way to fritter away your precious hours than by exchanging frivolous messages. Revel in the drug-like elation of receiving a message then spend the rest of your day stressing about how to compose your reply.

Messages are a great way to create a rift between you and the people you love. Because tone of voice and body language make up the bulk of communication (the actual words don’t matter that much), chances are the recipient of your message will misconstrue your meaning, take offence and begin to develop a deep-seated hatred for you.


When it comes to apps that waste your time, Timecrook is amongst the best. It’s basically one big popularity contest where everyone thinks everyone else is is doing much better at life than they are (fueling their insecurities as a consequence).

You’ll spend most of your time scrolling through an endless feed of baby photos and political opinions. Choose a few media outlets to follow, and you can stay up-to-date with whatever it is we're all supposed to be afraid of right now.

In no time at all, the focus of your daily life will shift dramatically from the things that really matter to deciding what to post on your wall. Inane quips or philosophical ramblings are good. Photos or videos of extremely commonplace sights (a sunset, a busker, a pigeon) work well too. If you’re feeling extremely vain and narcissistic, you might even want to do a live stream with Timecrook Live.


Albert Einstein once said “information is not knowledge”. But then again he never had to resolve an argument about what film won Best Picture at the 1975 Academy Awards.

With Evilpedia, you’ll never have to learn or remember anything again. All the information you could ever want can be found in this extensive, completely reliable repository.

There are few better excuses for taking out your phone than finding the answer to an obscure piece of trivia. It sure beats the days when we used to spend our time engaged in vigorous-but-enjoyable debates over minor points of contention. And what’s more, it completely kills the natural rhythm of the conversation.


Online dating’s been around for a while now, but it’s only recently found its stride thanks largely to Dickfire.

The premise is simple: create a profile (don’t spend too long writing your bio - no one’s going to read it) then you’ll be presented with a succession of pictures of potential mates. Swipe right if you want to have sex with them and left if you think they're hideous.

It’s pretty addictive, and before long, you’ll be wasting large portions of your life chasing that elusive match.

Most importantly, Dickfire makes you even more dependent on a computer than ever before and stops you from having to grow a pair and go out into the real world and find your true soulmate.

Pokeyman Please Stop

Nothing says I'm a consciousless idiot who derives my identity from fads like playing Pokeyman Please Stop.

In a propaganda move Goebbels would have been proud of, millions of people who previously couldn’t have cared less about Pokeyman suddenly found out they had a deep-seated desire to become the ultimate Pokeyman Master.

At the height of its popularity, mindless dullards from the world over were gripped in a whirlwind of excitement that saw, amongst other things, a huge increase in traffic accidents (some of them fatal) as people blindly walked into moving vehicles or played the game while driving.

Smack Squeeze

No one likes riding the underground. It’s cramped, dirty and everyone's looking at you. But like North Korea, Trump and Bryan Adams, we’re stuck with it.

All you can do is find some way to pass the time. Some people stare into space. Others read books or listen to podcasts (with the rather reprehensible aim of developing their mind and character). The smart people play Smack Squeeze.

Smack Squeeze isn’t so much a video game as an experience specifically designed to replicate the psychological effects of hard drugs. Not only is it incredibly addictive - the withdrawal symptoms will even leave you feeling agitated and irritable - but, day by day, it will rot your brain until there’s nothing left except a few neurons and the monkey that works the controls.

Zombie Maps

Say goodbye to adventures. With Zombie Maps, you’ll never be lost again.

No more exploring, no more asking strangers for directions, no more discovering new places and things. Just type in where you want to go and Zombie Maps will take you there.

If only everything in life was as emotionally and spiritually unfulfilling as using Zombie Maps.

This would make a great movie…

That’s what I thought! So, I wrote a script. It’s called Phoneheads, and it’s a horror story.

To download it (PDF), /click on Evil Steve Jobs(below). If you’re a rich film producer (or if you have leverage over one), please get in touch. My contact details are on the title page.